(Inspired by a 1998 post to WITSENDO,
an online moderated mailing list for endometriosis.)
What to tell people about your health, and how to
tell them, is always tricky. This applies whether
it is a question about surgery or simply a question
about how you’re feeling. When you have a chronic
illness, you might find it difficult to answer a typical,
“How are you?” inquiry with the standard,
“Fine, thanks” reply. It’s especially
awkward when it’s obvious you’re not feeling
well.
One thing to remember is that you don’t have
to tell people anything! You can always be vague and
noncommittal if you choose. In some situations, that
might be preferable, especially if you know the person
is just being polite. So, before you answer, ask yourself
a few questions:
Sometimes the question catches us off guard. When
we’re tired or in pain, we don’t always
think straight. In these situations, we might inadvertently
blurt out personal information we wouldn’t otherwise
have shared. The standard answer of “fine”
doesn’t always work because a few inquiring
types want the whole story. They might boldly inquire,
“Really? You don’t look fine. What’s
the matter?”
Being prepared with a few standard replies can prevent
a lot of frustration. For example, one favourite reply
to, “How are you?” is “Could be
worse!” Sometimes it makes people smile or laugh.
It doesn’t reveal anything about your physical
well-being, and it won’t bog you down in a ten-minute
conversation that could diminish your time and energy.
One of my personal favourites is, “Hanging in
there.” This kind of reply usually satisfies
all but the most curious questioner.
If you feel strong enough and you do want to educate
the person about your health or endometriosis in general
– and you feel they’ll be receptive –
you may want to go into some detail. Pamphlets, brochures,
and printed materials available from endometriosis
support groups are extremely helpful educational
tools. Keep some in your purse or desk if and when
you want to raise awareness. (See also the article
when others don’t
understand for more educational resources.)
If you’d rather not reveal any details (either
because you don’t think the person would be
supportive or you find it too personal to share),
practice being vague and non-committal without being
rude. For example, if you’ve just had surgery
and you’d rather not talk about it, you could
say something such as:
-
"It’s a long story;
I don’t want to bore you!"
-
"It was nothing life threatening;
I’m fine now"
-
"It wasn’t contagious,
so don’t worry!” (said with a laugh)
-
"I’m feeling better
now and don’t want to re-live that lovely
hospital experience!"
-
If the questioner persists, you
may need to respond with something a bit more assertive,
such as, “It’s personal and I’d
rather not go into the details.” Then change
the subject and ask something about the other person.
Any topic will do. People are usually happy to talk
about themselves.
Sometimes we reveal more about ourselves than we’d
like. We may think it’s rude not to answer someone’s
questions even when we don’t want to. But it’s
not rude to protect ourselves. We have the right to
decide when and if we reveal information about our
health to others. Likewise, others do not have a right
to know the intimate details of our lives. They don’t
need to know any more than we’re willing to
reveal.
When it comes to what we tell others about endometriosis,
we are in control. We might choose to become an “endometriosis
evangelist” or we might decide to keep our health
problems a secret. Or we might settle on telling a
few close friends. Whatever path we take, it’s
our choice.
© 2002 Ellen T Johson
Reprinted with permission
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